time without you-moonless night

My gloom had started long before I made the decision to leave Bella. The anticipation, the fear I had for her pain….but it had to be done.

As I race as far away as I can from my only love, I begin drowning in what seemed eternal darkness. This had never occurred to me, yet again I had never been in love, I hadn’t even figured I had such feeling, Love, what a surprise it was that I didn’t lose the ability to feel anything rather than pain and self pity. I feel as if tears roll down my face but such can't be, vampires can't cry, and yet I was. This feels odd a tearless weep that does not slow me down. For I need to get away, it will be safer for her, and easier for me not to turn around, if that could ever be easy.

My family had warned me about being away from the one you crave, foolish me, thinking it would get bearable after I left. Indeed idiotic.

It’s excruciating and I’m not even a town away. Oh why can't I shut down my thoughts? Why can't I just run? Stupid vampire brain! Oh perfect and now I start sounding like Bella...perfect. Even the memory of her name is insufferable.

I’m heading east. I’ll probably swim to Peru or Brazil, wherever Victoria’s track leads.

Why does my mind continue to ramble? The pain is agonizing enough to put a human in shock; all I wish is to be numb. It’s impossible to shut down.

My family had been suffering due to my pain and since I couldn’t make myself look normal I decided to leave. I did not have the patience nor the interest in relieving my family’s ache. My own was enough to keep me busy for the next centuries. I felt for their pain, I did, but I couldn’t change my mood. Not so soon. Leaving was indeed best for everyone. I did not have to pretend (I didn’t any way), and my family is not suffering as much. Away from sight, away from the heart. Or at least I would like to think so.

I’ve started thinking again.

I lost Victoria’s track and there is no point in thinking again and yet I am.

I believe I’m in Mexico I wasn’t exactly paying attention to road signs and neither was she.

As I enter my hotel room (Carlisle made sure I didn’t stay on the streets, which was my wish), which can feebly called that, I throw myself on the bed. Mowing over my thirst.

I prohibited room service, the food would make me think of Bella, and since I don’t sleep I don’t need washed sheets. I couldn’t care less about the human charade now I had better things to obsess about.

The not sleeping part is immensely annoying due to the fact that I posses 24hours each day every day for the rest of my life; well existence, to drown and drift in my sorrow. Never being able to feel numb.

I sink my face into the pillow and don’t resurface for two days.

My thirst is almost as unbearable as the pain. I do not dare to leave this room thought, I may kill someone on my way out, for I do not have the strength (mental) to stop my murderous rage.

I’m considering a trip to the blood bank, I’d climb down the window at night and head over. I don’t think I can keep myself from draining the nurses thought. Human blood, not such a good idea. Better yet a hunting trip; letting my instincts rule me for some time, that ought to keep me busy and from the thought of going back to Bella, for a couple of minutes at least.

I gathered all my will power to get up, stop breathing and heading to the nearest forest.

As I walk in the streets, people keep staring at me, I shut their babbling thoughts out as best as I can.

I must look awful I haven’t cleaned myself in God knows how long, considering I’ve been running through forests and swimming up and down oceans) and I haven’t eaten since the week before I left Bella, my thirst would have killed me, were I still alive. When I left Bella, my heart stayed with her, all shreds of my soul stayed with the one they belonged to. The shreds I’ve been able to atone.

I need to think of my lost soul to keep myself from going into the murderous breakout I so want to prevent.

I’m still not breathing. It makes it less impossible to resist the thick warm pulse that flows through every heart of every body of every pedestrian.

I ought to stop feeling sorry for myself, I’ve become the monster I tried to get again from for so many decades.

Why couldn’t I forget? Why did I love Bella even more by every tick of the clock.

(somewhere…after the breakup)

If I were to die, to never inhale another molecule of her scent I would want to.

I can't do it though, besides being awfully difficult to do it myself, my family does not comply my plea, as well as, since being apart is ever so difficult, Bella learning my death would mean to put and end to this gut wrenching situation, my death would cause her pain above all. For which I can't bare such outcome.

If this was easy I’d have figure out a way by now; Death or otherwise.

I should just give up. Be the selfish creature that I am. Go back to the one I love, be happy and put her in arms way her as usual. Though she did not deserve my selfishness, I feel I can't do anything else other than snivel, die or go back.

I shall go with sobbing, that seems not very different to the point I’m standing at the moment.

I’d been tracking Victoria for weeks. Her gift to elude danger, being myself at the time, is rather useful for her benefit and utterly frustrating, for myself, for my feeble attempts to follow her scent throughout board lines have yet again crumbled.

Without my concentration on the hunt, I had a lot more space in my mind to endure the misery I’ve let myself fall into for these weeks. I wonder how Bella’s doing. Better off without me and the danger that follows my presence. Poor Bella I didn’t wish for her pain. It hurt me to think of her distress. However if I did not think all of this distance were for her survival, I wouldn’t bear another second of my gut wrenching anguish.

My heart however still feels like it were reduced to char. After my transformation I thought there was nothing else to burn. Yet there were. Apparently my love caused something to spur inside. My soul had been almost wiped clean. My sins erased (almost) but now that had trodden, and all that’s left is void and ache. Ache for what’s not there anymore. My chest hurts though no heart is in turmoil. My body feels soared and numb thought that cannot be for it is stone.

She slipped up. Victoria had made a mistake. I caught her scent. I had promised myself I’d keep hunting, stop feeling sorry for myself and help Bella the way I could; eliminating the menace that threatens her.

I turned to sniff again to make sure my mind wasn’t eluding me, how unlikely that would have been, she’s headed to south America, I can see now.

I followed her scent which lead me to somewhere in Brazil I wasn’t exactly paying attention to road signs I much rather run in the bordering woods. Although it did keep my mind off divagating, at least there weren’t care rental guy’s I had to put up with. My murderous mood was severe enough and I was not anywhere near controlled enough to be near humans, or their minds. That reminds me I haven’t eaten in way too long If I by any chance cross my path with a human I don’t think I can control my thirst. Whatever I’ll deal with it, nothing can be harder than that first day of the rest of my existence. The first moment I caught my Bella’s scent. Oh and here I go again with the memories, I’m such a masoquist. Why won’t I stop already? Geez there’s definitely wrong with me. Besides being a vampire who fell in love with a human. I should see a vampire shrink. Ha-ha I’m in a pleasant mood today. My jokes have diminished in quality due to my latest suicidal tendencies. This is getting stupid I wish there was something else to do rather than run. I need to occupy my time.

Victoria’s track came to an end. She must be nearby. At last I shall destroy the one that caused so much turmoil. If that even begins to sum it up. If I’d destroy Victoria I could go back to my Bella. That if she’d want be back. I did break her heart. I do not deserve pardon. I love her so much. I crave her company, the sight of those blushed cheeks, the brilliancy of her smile, the radiance of her mind (what she gives out, since I cannot hear her thoughts). Oh my Bella how I miss you. Ok back to sighing. I’m definitely bipolar today.

She would want me back.

I should not think those things the danger will never be over, I cannot bear her death. I cannot tolerate her pain. However I’m hurting her, and myself with the distance. We can't be apart, we belong together.

No! That cannot be. She must move on. I have to let her live her life without these mythical, hazardous, and selfish monsters, I mean myself alone, for my family does not compare to what I’ve done in my passed.

If only I would achieve Victoria’s death, I’ll allow myself the dream (if I could sleep), I could wish to come back. I might be able to.

Oh happy thoughts why do the make me hopeful. My eternity of murder and pain must have been enough to rip all the joy from my body. Why did I wish, why can I hope? I wish to die. I hope Bella forgets about me, and when she does, I wish for my death. There’s nothing left for me.

Why did Romeo come to mind? His last words as he prepared to meet Juliet in her grave, they do not apply I do not have a last kiss, I do not have a last embrace.

“For fear of that, I still will stay with thee;
And never from this palace of dim night
Depart again: here, here will I remain
With worms that are thy chamber-maids; O, here
Will I set up my everlasting rest,
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!
Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on
The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark!
Here's to my love

O true apothecary!
Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die”

Ignorant, hot headed Romeo, if you had waited, you’d be with the one you love. I had waited my love would have died.

I need to go back. I can't stand this any longer it's eating me up. It hurts.

I cannot no while Victoria still breathes.

This ought to give me strength to endure the tracking, and the distance and the solitude, the sorrow. I truly miss Bella’s lips. I miss her heat, her hair, I miss her sleep and her dreams, I miss her so.

Victoria had eluded me every single time I tried to catch up.

This should not be different.

And yet I was. I can now feel her scent more strongly. I don’t know if it’s my imagination or my wish for this lead to be real, I could swear I feel it. Though I can't trust myself anymore.

During Bella’s absence:

This is getting out of control. I can't take the longing, the smoldering, ripping thirst. I need to eat.

My attention had been turned to the disgusting thoughts of a nomadic vampire. What a sick sadistic creature. He’s not worth of causing such pain. Not even to his prey. Poor creature, poor lady. If my heart had been alive it would have felt pity for her. It isn’t though. All the feelings I posses right now are of anger, repressed, illogical, warm, powerful rage. I will kill this vampire. He’s not worthy of stepping on the same ground as Bella does every day.

I can let him move his hunting grounds so close to forks. I can't let him near Bella.

I do think that that even before he gave away his destination. My mind had already settled into destroying him. Not because of the filthy things he was considering doing to the nice accountant.

I can't even excuse my long lasting pursuit of becoming the hero.

I want to kill him just because.

I need to feel something outside this pain. It’s driving me insane! I can't keep this up.

I need the pleasure of the hunt.

I need to feel his warm blood leaving his body.

I need and I will.

…

I catch him off guard. What a grim vampire, the human’s blood isn’t enough for him he wants her virtue as well. Poor human. I do hope I can control myself.

My thirst is beyond all thresholds of pain.

I don’t wish to spill human blood. The immortal’s will be enough.

Samuel-That is his name-was truly surprised to see a vampire turn against his own species. Ow well I guess he won’t satisfy my need for a clash. He is not a good opponent, he lacks the offensive skills due to the fact of being too busy mirroring is own perfect self.

I behead him far too soon. I can't stand to watch his misery, he prayed for death to come, so I delivered it. Too quickly for my own satisfaction.

Gladly the woman-Cathy-was long gone before she got to witness my display of superhuman powers. Must have been quite thrilling to watch it through her bewildered eyes. She was close to home though. I hope she calls the police then I would have an excuse to keep myself from chasing her.

I carry Samuel’s limbs swiftly through the empty night covered street, until I reach the trees. I dug up a pit, threw his ripped body into it and scorch the bloodless thing. The scent of the smoke always repulses me dearly, I cringe from it.

He tasted pretty awful I still prefer dear to cannibalism, but at least my thirst is bearable.

All my years dedicated to work on my manners have crumbled. Sense the sarcasm in the statement manners, yeah right that dreadful vampire had none whatsoever why sould I?

Why do I need to make the effort? I need destruction. It felt amazing to kill and rip apart that vampire. It wouldn’t have mattered if he had been innocent; If any vampire can be so. I just need to drain my energy. Somewhere, with anyone, with anything.

I have found the solution to my murderous rage. It won’t last long and it is neither effective nor acceptable. My conscience says it is so.

It will do its part soon enough. But for now I can still feel the buzz of having someone’s-or something’s- blood on my hands. His unmoving heart lingered in my closed hands. his silence felt wrong, I am so used to Bella’s beats, I’m synchronized with them. Or was…

He actually tasted better than usual, not that I spend my free time annihilating my race, but in terms of comparison James’ blood tasted worse than Samuel’s. I would consider all those crimes would turn his blood into soaked mud, but they didn’t.

Apparently raping human girls, which culminates on then being slashed apart beyond recognition, and killing his peer, Lionel, that had made the crime of trusting him, only makes one’s blood more edible. Good for me, ghastly for him.

I cannot believe how my mind did not leave the image of Bella, and her merciful voice throughout the assassination. Vampire’s minds can be utterly inconvenient, when all one prays for. If there were any God that would allow the existence of such creatures and that could atone my sins and my pain- is to forget.

To never have felt. To never have breathed. However even if I hadn’t met Bella I would still miss her. A part of me would always feel incomplete as it is, as I speak.

The body is dust now plus I’m getting melodramatic and starting the endless sobbing.

Time to go home. Well my hotel room anyway. My home is long lost.

Now that I think of it had I seen the resemblance between the woman and Bella, before I would have had a good excuse for killing him but I don’t.

Cathy’s appearance resembles Bella’s, they share the same hair color, the same blushed cheeks, however Cathy’s were burgundy with dread. Cathy’s eyes, these have nothing to do with Bella’s, no mortal eyes can have such depth not even immortal one’s, always crimson with rage, topaz with sacrifice or dark with hunger, never deep, never meaningful, never blissful, never Bella’s.

No eyes can reach such intensity, such kindness. Her eyes truly reflect her soul and it is beautiful.