the break up-edward's pov

Breakup:

She didn’t deserve this. I have coveted, I have lied, I have killed. However what I was about to do was the peak of all things atrocious. I was about to tell the most hideous lie. I had to break Bella’s heart to keep it beating. I could lose her; it was way too dangerous for her to be near me. If she died, I couldn’t live with myself.

I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my composure. Even the best actor flinches as he realizes the pain he’s causing, and I was no exception. My eyes would turn me out, as usual no one would know what they reflected but Bella was different she knew me better than I know myself. At a deeper level any way.

I couldn’t lie to Bella, she was my life. But since the other option is her death I wrapped my mind around the fact that she wouldn’t believe the lie, and ended up changing nothing. Keeping her forever in danger. I’m utterly the most selfish creature on this earth. I’m willing to put my beloved in danger instead of saving her and keeping away.

I disgust myself terribly. I shouldn’t be allowed to walk this earth. I deserve to die in the place of Bella. I can’t do it though, her pain doesn’t let me. And I’m not able to do it by myself.

Why does death have to be so difficult for vampires, and for humans it’s their deepest concern. God must really get a kick out of people’s misery.

I finally reached the point beyond doubt. I had to do this.

As I walked next to her I wish I could hear her thoughts, as usual, but this time it was different. I had to convince her that I did not love her anymore. Such thing would be impossible. Funny even, If the time was not this one. As if I could stop loving her just like that.

Nevertheless I had to try. Her thoughts would have helped me keep my story strong enough. They would allow me to manipulate her (how I hate even thinking such thought) plant the doubt, even the slightest would be enough. It had to be because that was the best I’d get. For her to question my love and that was it.

As usual things wouldn’t work out easily for me, a few decades ago I’d say I deserved such punishment, but now that it involved someone else, her pain was not asked for.

I gathered all my strength and used it to remain still. Froze my face in place, a marble statue, as cold , and untrue as it had never been before. I kept my look as casual as allowed by my conscience. Only my lips would move.

And so I began.

"Come for a walk with me," I said keeping my voice unemotional as I took Bella’s hand.

I pulled her along toward the east side of the yard, where the forest encroached.

We didn’t walk for long. Just a couple of steps into the trees.

As I leaned against a tree Bella said.

"Okay, let's talk,"

I took a deep breath. I had gone through and through this in my head. Replayed her reaction a million times. Would she cry? Of course she would. Would her grief pass soon. Part of me wished she’d get over me but then again if she loved me she would suffer. As I am and always will. Ow I wish she didn’t hurt. Or maybe I do. Just a little. So I’d know her love is as deep as mine. I know I don’t usually curse but fuck I’m selfish and childish. Hasn’t she proven herself? Hasn’t she been through enough? I have to stop this.

"Bella, we're leaving."-I can't be straighter than that. I’m useless. She’ll misunderstand of course. Ow stupid creature can I be more hopeless.

"Why now? Another year". She asked looking puzzled as to be expected.

I started again-"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

"When you say we-," She whispered finally understanding the intention behind my words.

"I mean my family and myself." I spoke each word separate and distinct as to clarify and calm myself. I cannot break. Not now.

"Okay," I said. "I'll come with you."

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going... It's not the right place for you."-Edward don’t crack not now. Wait you’ll surrender your darkness in no time. Don’t cause her more pain than she has to. Fuck. Focus darn it. Focus.

"Where you are is the right place for me."

"I'm no good for you, Bella."-That was the inexorable truth.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life."

"My world is not for you,"- as much as I’d like to convince myself otherwise this was the reality. Bella would be forever in danger. She can't stay with me.

"What happened with Jasper-that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

"You're right," I agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"

"As long as that was best for you," I interrupted to correct her.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?"- she was on the verge of tears. Her voice strained with fury made me pity her. She has already started to mar and I’m still here. I’m causing such grief in so little time.

"Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you-it's yours already!"

I took a deep breath and stared, unseeingly, at the ground for a long moment. This is it. I have to say it. The worst kind of blasphemy, the utmost lie. I’d hate myself for saying such thing, more than I do at the moment anyway. I set each muscle in my face as to appear solemn. I look up at her wrecked self. Nearly crashing every attempt to remain calm and hold her in my arms as to never let go. I wish I could wipe her tear or as to have never caused them although of course such thing could not happen, not to me anyway.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."- I will not think outside my script. This has to be played perfectly I must appear unattached and unloving otherwise her pain will never lessen. If she believes I do not craves her any longer she will make herself move on. She will try. That is all I ask. For her to be happy. Without me if needed.

"You... don't... want me?"- her voice as well as her expression pour out bewilderment.

"No."

"Well, that changes things”- now I’m the one appalled she seems numb. Calm even. Her shock mustn’t have sunk yet.

"Of course, I'll always love you... in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human."

"I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."- I was. Sorry for her not me. Every tough every word I do not regret I will not take any of that back. I love Bella I always have and always will. I was never too much. I was the perfect amount and for some astonishing reason she loved me back as fiercely as I did. And I was not a mistake. Her pain was our love wasn’t.

"Don't."

"Don't do this."

"You're not good for me, Bella."

"If... that's what you want."

I nodded once. My faced wiped of all emotion.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I said. I wish she’ll agree to this at least for her safety and my sanity.

"Anything," -she vowed

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered, no longer detached. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She nodded helplessly. Relief washed through me.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him."

She nodded again. "I will," Bella whispered.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," I said. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."- This was my intention. I’ll do my best to keep my vow. No matter how much it hurts I will leave Bella. My only love. My whole reason to survive. I will let her go.

"Don't worry. You're human-your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?" I asked. It sounded like there was something stuck in her throat, like she was choking.

"Well"-I hesitated for a short second-"I won't forget. But my kind... we're very easily distracted." I smiled; the smile was tranquil and it did not touch my eyes. That much I can't pull of as much as I try to.

I took a step away from Bella. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

The plural caught her attention. That surprised me; I would have thought she was beyond noticing anything.

"Alice isn't coming back," she realized.

I shook my head slowly, always watching her face.

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" her voice was blank with disbelief.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."

"Goodbye, Bella," I said in the same quiet, peaceful voice that was so hard to keep composed.

"Wait!" she choked out the word, reaching for me.

I locked my hands around her wrists and pinned them to her sides. I leaned down, and pressed my lips very lightly to Bella’s forehead for the briefest instant. Her eyes closed.

"Take care of yourself,"